INSIDE MY HEAD
I have always wondered where people go when they die. Sometimes, I would fall asleep, wondering. Sometimes, I would wish I were dead…..just to know the truth. I ask my friends at other times, but I guess they are too busy living the lie known to us as life. Maybe they are too young to contemplate the idea of death. Then I ask myself, how old am I?
It’s very quiet here, and dark. I have spent most of my moments in the last few days, thinking about life and death. I have always admired life, the possibilities and the little things which make us happy. I know that these are the things I will miss on my death-bed, it has always been this way. When end comes, I won’t remember my success or my failure, I would just feel bad that I wouldn’t be able to attend college anymore or hang out with friends. And at that point of time, the thought would appear very tragic to me.
I have lived life like I always wanted to, alone but happy. I have been too arrogant to heed people’s advice. People say that we need someone who would be with us when we are down, someone who would love me. But I think I have seen enough to know that it all is a lie. Every man is for himself. Your girl-friend may say she loves you, you best friend may say that too, but everybody leaves…..some just wait a bit longer. I have been through that. It’s easier to shut yourself than go through that again.
I don’t know if one day I will pay for my arrogance….maybe I will regret not loving someone when I am too old to make love, maybe I will regret not having a real friend when I am at the pinnacle of my career and when someone asks whom I dedicate it to, I would have no name to take. But I am okay with it, as I am okay with the fact that I am going to die alone. I have always believed…..to be relieved from the pain, you must accept the truth, and this is the irrevocable truth of my life.